“Not long ago, in the unexplored reaches of the unmapped swamp, the creative genius of one man collided with another’s evil dream and a monster was born.”
“Say hello to your boyfriend baby!” – famous last words from bandana wearing guy
Not all superheroes are created equal. Some can fly and turn back time and force the truth from liars and build super suits and destroy crime rings from the top down. And then some are green and rubbery and growly and spend most of their time punching and throwing guys around. They only hang out in the swamp and are only effective against very specific bad guys, BUT they can at least heal wounds with green glowy magic AND regrow their own limbs JUST LIKE A PLANT!
I’m not sure the Swamp Thing even really counts as a ‘superhero’ but as he does have a dramatic backstory that gave him his powers and he fights bad guys on a regular basis AND he has terrible relationship luck, he seems pretty superhero-ish to me. So I’m gonna go ahead and categorize him that way.
The plot of Swamp Thing basically breaks down like this: Sexy but tough government agent Cable (Adrienne Barbeau) travels down to the swamps to help out with security on a secret government project where sexy and kind of ADHD scientist Holland (Ray Wise) is inventing … something green and glowy. Unfortunately Holland’s nemesis Arcane (Louis Jourdan) will stop at nothing to get his hands on that green glowy … whatever it is (some kind of plant/animal hybrid goo I think?) It isn’t long after Cable’s arrival that things go seriously pear-shaped. People die, science labs blow up, Holland seems to die a flame-y awful death, and Cable begins a long series of chases and getting captured and escaping and chases and getting captured and on and on. Seriously this chasing through the swamp business goes on FOREVER. Eventually Arcane gets his hands on the glowy green formula, Cable, AND the mysterious hero-monster-Holland-shaped-viney thing that has popped up and been fighting off his henchmen. The climax boils down to a less than epic battle of monster versus monster where only one silly rubbery creature can survive.
Honestly the plot of the first Swamp Thing movie is (wafer) thin. Not that the plot of the sequel film is that much better but it does have mutants and Heather Locklear and teenagers with dirty magazines and even more chasing and some kind of mysterious backstory so even though it is campy and ridiculous it still has more going for it than this movie. ALL this one has is running and driving and boating and running and getting captured and escaping and getting captured and escaping. Oh and Adrienne Barbeau’s breasts, which I believe was a pretty big draw in 1982 when this movie came out.
Unfortunately Swamp Thing (at least in this movie adaptation) is a silly super hero and he’s fighting against a silly super villain. Arcane spends so much time hunting down Holland’s super ‘formula’ and for what? Turns out he is just looking for the secret to immortality and he thinks the green glowy stuff is going to give it to him. And by the way, can I just say that I spent a lot of years thinking scientists spent all their time on important ‘formulas’ specifically because of the importance placed on that word in this movie. He takes the ‘formula’ even after finding out the truth of how it works (which actually doesn’t make any sense AT ALL but I guess we can overlook the believability of the science involved when it is coming from a giant talking plant) and then is the only one surprised that it turns him into a rubbery, furry, man-bear-pig* kind of beast. Then he proceeds to have the most old school video game looking fight EVER with Swamp Thing and any intent to take this film seriously that may have been left just flies right out the window.
Swamp Thing, 1982
Starring Ray Wise, Adrienne Barbeau, Louis Jordan
Directed by Wes Craven
Written by Wes Craven (screenplay), Len Wein (comic book)
